There is a home video of me on Halloween when I was 5 years old. I am dressed up as a fairy and I have a wand. I am calling myself a “fairy god mother” and I am bopping around with my wand and granting wishes. I ask my mom “What do you wish for?” and she says, “That you will always be happy.”
This video is one of my favorite childhood videos. I am so enthusiastic about my role as a “fairy god mother” and it is as if I genuinely believe in my ability to grant wishes. At one point, I stop bouncing around and I look directly into the camera as I place my hand on my heart and sincerely ask my mom, “Do you want to be a fairy god mother too?” And then I say “boop” as I swing my wand around and dance with glee at the fun of being a fairy. I am so fully myself in this moment. But as I write that sentence, I realize I am saying I was fully myself while I was pretending to be a character for Halloween. That sounds a bit contradicting, but I think it also relates to the story I want to share.
When I think back about other times when I was being fully myself, it gets blurry. It is blurry because although I often felt like I was being myself, I let other people’s judgements often get in my way. In high school I became very active in youth group and started to develop a relationship with God. I was passionate and excited about my faith. I was also young, naïve, and impressionable. I went on to spend a year at a ministry internship after high school where I was able to focus even more intently on being “fully myself.” After that I went to a Christian college where I was involved in ministry and continued my faith journey. At this point, most of my identity was wrapped up in Christianity. I felt very alive in my relationship with God. I was full of faith and believed that with God, anything was possible. Kind of like my 5-year-old self with that wand.
By my mid-twenties, I was able to finally come to terms with and discover another side of myself. I realized I was gay and wanted to be with a woman. Unfortunately, many of the teachings in the Christian church communicate that I could not fully be myself and remain a faithful follower of Christ. What a terrible crossroad! I wanted to fully be myself with God and I also wanted to fully be myself with the love of my life. And deep down, I actually felt like I could have both of these things because they both boiled down to love. However, the message from the church involved so much shame and hurt that I decided to protect my heart and pull away entirely.
In 2010 I met my {now} wife. I fell hard! We had an instant connection and I felt so fully myself and fully known by her. However, slowly, my former self (the Christian girl) was fading away because I felt there was no place for me and my wife within the church community. I still held on to my own personal relationship with God, but it was painful to lose my faith community. Because I felt I had to make that part of me smaller and I let other people’s judgments affect me, I was not fully myself at this time.
Fast-forward to when I was 32 years old and wanted to start trying to have a baby. I knew starting a family would be a non-traditional journey for my wife and I, but I could not have anticipated the bombshell that would be dropped on me during this process. As I started working with fertility doctors to get pregnant, I also started talking to my mom about her pregnancy experience. I started asking more specific questions about how long it took for her to get pregnant, and so on. Then, one Friday evening in February 2016 my mom called me and asked to talk. In that moment she said “Well, not only will your child be created by using a sperm donor, but you were also created by using a sperm donor.” “WHAT?!” Talk about a jaw-dropping moment. My entire life I grew up with my mother and father and had no reason to believe that my father was not my biological father. My mom explained that my father was sterile, and her doctor told her about sperm donation as an option to still be able to have children. My mom was able to get pregnant easily using this method and she had my brother first and then 2 years later she had me. Honestly, once I got over the shock of it, there was no better time for me to understand that my parents did whatever it took to get pregnant….and I was doing the same thing.
After this major secret was revealed, I did somewhat struggle with my identity again. I would look in the mirror and wonder who I looked like. My mom had no information about my donor because things were so different back then. I didn’t want to admit it, but I did not feel fully myself during this time. There were so many unknowns. So many questions.
I sent my DNA to Ancestry.com and 23andMe. Finally, after 2 long years, I got a half-sibling connection and found my half-brother who was also donor conceived. We talked and tried to sort out the timeline and use what little info we had to determine who our biological father might be. Time went on and we still didn’t have any more DNA connections. Eventually we decided to step-up our search efforts to find our donor. I was able to join a Facebook group called DNA Detectives and a wonderful lady became my “search angel.” A search angel is someone who volunteers their time and skills to study DNA connections and build a family tree that leads to the person you are searching for.
It only took my search angel 3 days to find my donor! When I clicked on his Facebook profile picture, I instantly knew this had to be my biological father. The similarities were undeniable! I had waited 5 years to find this person, so I took the plunge and went ahead and sent him a message that night. It was agonizing waiting for a response from him even though it happened fairly quickly. I realized I was fearful of being rejected. I wondered how his response would affect me and my identity.
No magic fairy wand could have helped provide a more wonderful response from my donor! He confirmed that he was a donor during the specific timeframe and location where I was conceived. He told me that he had two sons and the fertility doctor told him that he mostly produced boys from his donations. He said he was thrilled to find a biological daughter and he wanted to know all about me. He offered me his phone number and invited me to call or text him any time. That night we spoke on the phone and I felt an instant connection. As I was talking to him and excitedly answering all his curious questions, I realized I was being fully myself. And I felt fully accepted. The mystery was finally solved! I looked in the mirror and laughed with joy when I saw my reflection because I finally knew who I looked like!
All these moments have brought me full circle and I have encountered God in a new way on this journey. He showed me that he has ALWAYS known who I am! He created me and my creation story is so unique. He knew that I would also create my children in the same way my parents created me! I am fully known and fully accepted by God. This is my lived experience and no one can take it from me! My existence is a testimony of God’s faithful love and acceptance. The vision of who I am is no longer blurry and it is no longer defined by other peoples judgements or opinions. I pray this testimony encourages anyone who has struggled with their identity. I have never felt more fully myself than I do right now…..with all the pieces put together and the full picture of how much God loves me for who I am.
No more secrets. No more hiding. The burden has been lifted. I encourage you to also come out into the light and be fully yourself. Have the courage to be fully seen and accepted! My five-year-old self is waving my wand and granting you this wish!
Disclaimers & Notes:
*I love my parents, and their full acceptance of me throughout my life has meant everything to me! They have both accepted me through all my various stages and that has ultimately been the foundation that helped me to not be shaken during the times that I have struggled with my identity
*This is not an either/or situation. This is an AND situation. My dad AND my donor. I have enough space and love for both. One does not diminish the other.
*I do not hold it against my parents that they kept this secret from me for 32 years and they do not hold it against me that I want to share my truth.
*Genetics don’t make a family and they don’t create commitment or love. But DNA connections are important and a vital piece to discovering one’s full identity. I refuse to feel any guilt for my connection with my donor, and again, it does not discredit or take away from my relationship with my dad. My world has just expanded!
*My donor’s family has been very accepting of me as well. I have especially enjoyed getting to know his wife and learn more about him and their sons from her. They are very special people.
*My brother and I do not have the same donor. He has had his own experience with all of this and we have also processed it a lot together.
*I am really thankful that I will somewhat be able to relate to my two sons about being donor children. My oldest son already knows about their donor and my youngest will know as soon as he can talk. It will always be a part of their story.
*Our sons’ donor is a phenomenal human and we are forever grateful for his openness and involvement. Our sons will always have a chance to know him and be known by him.
Lindzmae 
Beautifully written- thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Your boys are so lucky to have a mom like you! ❤️
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